on forgiveness and healing

while it is true that forgiveness is a choice, it is never easy. when pride gets in the way and keeps haunting you, it narrows the chances of you choosing to forgive. but it is also true that love can make a difference. not the "human" love we all came to know, but the love that is ever constant and never failing - God's love. His love.

i have delivered a sort of short reflection regarding forgiveness and healing. and it was probably meant to be since the irony hit me on the face. i was harboring ill feelings. i became the person i abhorred. the person who dwells with negativities, a person who ridiculously doubts, a person who bad mouths others and a person who didn't care. indifference became second nature. i thought it was necessary at that time, but i was wrong. and so it brought me to the decision of forgiving. of letting all the things that happened be put in the past where it should belong. i had to reach out because i chose to let go of the pain inflicted. but it caught me off guard when i still felt the pangs of yesterday's mistakes. hurts resurfacing. yes, forgiving can be a step to renewal, but it doesn't really mean we have healed completely.

i don't know what to do anymore.

i feel incompetent and incapable of the task God gave me. i always tell the persons entrusted to me to learn to forgive... but right now, it is as if i'm still harboring ill feelings. i am tired. i don't know what i am fighting for.

i know in my heart i have forgiven, i just am dealing with the pain. i can not do anything anymore... that is why i have to leave it up to the greatest Healer of all time. He mends everything. i have to be patient in waiting. i remain hopeful that all of these will be over. i could only hope and pray that i will be stronger, more faithful and better after all that i am experiencing. we are experiencing.